I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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