Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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