dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
