it hurts more in the daytime
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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