Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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