he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
