I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
