I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
