So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
