i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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