I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I am midnight drunk by noon
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
