I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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