He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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