I want to walk on stilts...naked
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
