thus making me awesome and them whores
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
