I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize