I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
