Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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