my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Non-Jews are for practice
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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