Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
