walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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