Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
