I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
