Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
