cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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