A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
