make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
