I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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