So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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