In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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