this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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