Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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