my mouth tastes like poor choices
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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