is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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