Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
