Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
