I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
