im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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