My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
