does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Randomize
