non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I need water and some morals
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
