It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
