I hope mine doesn't look like that
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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