forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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