My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
