You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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