That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think my moral compass just broke
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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