Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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