The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
