Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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