The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
