you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
