I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
