I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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