I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
