I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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