sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize