And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
